In Appreciation of All That Is Good

A post in appreciation of the positive things that have happened this week:

– Lazy day on Monday.

Self-care time on the sofa with my Kindle

The reason for the lazy day wasn’t so good: a very low mood, unsure of what to do with myself. Fortunately Monday was my no-work day this week so I was able to do some self-care. I read my book: some fiction on my Kindle, and the amazing Flourish Handbook by Cheryl Rickman, which contains these words of wisdom I thought you, dear readers might appreciate too:

 

I also settled down to watch a film I had wanted to watch for a long time, the classic All The President’s Men. Which leads me to my next point:

– Google!

I am old enough to remember life before Google and social media, but watching All The President’s Men gave me a reminder of how much we now take this technology for granted, and how quickly we forget life before having so much information at our fingertips.

If you haven’t seen the film, Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman play the Washington Post reporters who uncover the Watergate scandal of 1972 that led to the resignation of President Nixon in 1974. They hunt for evidence, leads and sources using telephone books, and have assistants poring through clippings files for sources’ backgrounds. So much legwork that could be done today in a matter of minutes.

(There is another point to appreciate: such vibrant newsrooms for print media are rare, sadly, with the growth of online news).

– My work (‘proper job’) and my colleagues

My dread of returning to work made me feel incredibly anxious, but thankfully so far the anticipation was much worse than the reality. I call it my ‘proper job’ because #HugosLegacy and #MatExp are like jobs in themselves, but the ‘proper job’ is the one that pays the bills!

I feel very fortunate working on patient experience projects – my love, my passion – and to be making a difference as part of my job. A privilege. I am also privileged to work with wonderful, caring people who love me for being myself.

A meeting with the wonderful Kath Evans yesterday was thoroughly appreciated, too. I really enjoyed the opportunity to chat in person, and left bouncing with positivity and ideas I can’t wait to tell my colleagues about – and get in to action at work.

Kath and me

– #HugosLegacy and #MatExp

Hugo’s Legacy grows more and more by the day. Wednesday brought a trip to London to attend a neonatal clinical outcomes meeting as a parent representative: I was pleased to make a positive contribution, and for that contribution to be appreciated.

This week I received a number of emails and social media messages from readers saying how much my writing had touched them, or helped them in their own grief journey. Why We Need To Reconsider How We Engage With Bereaved People, and Moving Forward, Not Moving On seem to have been particularly resonant. To know that my writing – and therefore Hugo’s Legacy – is appreciated and having an impact is wonderful.

To date, #HugosLegacy has had nearly 100,000 impressions on Twitter (‘impressions’ means that tweets bearing that hashtag have been delivered to that number of timelines), which means (in combination with trending on Hugo’s first birthday in February) the message is getting out there.

#MatExp is growing all the time, too – to date #MatExp tweets have had more than 152 million – yes, million! – impressions, and it was trending this week, too. It’s amazing – I am so proud to be involved. From the feedback we are getting from many sources it seems that health professionals and users alike are appreciating the value of our grassroots, JFDI (just effing do it!) campaign.

A very kind friend sent me some star-shaped buttons because she thought I would like them – greatly appreciated!

– Another year older next week

Birthdays don’t hold the same level of excited anticipation as birthdays as when I was a child. Last year’s birthday – the first after Hugo – was kind of just another day, I didn’t have the heart to celebrate. This year, I am going to try to make more of an effort for no other reason than to appreciate the fact I have lived another year, and that I appreciate the value of growing another year older.

What have you appreciated this week?

 

Self-Care

This week has been about self-care. And about time, too.

Where I live, we have been fortunate to enjoy some beautiful spring sunshine, and it has been very warm indeed. Despite my reservations about spring, I have now been enjoying the array of flowers and blossom, and trying to see them as symbols from Hugo.

Beautiful blossom.

On Monday evening, I found myself thinking on that day twelve months earlier I had last held Hugo, last sung to him, last read to him. I had last looked at his beautiful face, last stroked his lovely soft hair. It was the last time I had seen my gorgeous baby.

I miss Hugo so very much.

Tuesday marked the first anniversary of Hugo’s funeral. The last of the first anniversaries. Tuesday’s glorious sunshine mirrored the weather of the same day last year. I visited Hugo’s garden, and found it hard to believe that my baby had already been there for a whole year. The windmills and solar-powered butterfly were spinning away in the strong breeze, and combined with the toys, stars and vibrant flowers made his garden seem full of life and activity. The new little stones in the hexagonal planter were sparkling in the sunshine, but the camera doesn’t really pick it up.

Hugo’s garden – I captured the shadow of the solar-powered butterfly on the wall of the planter.

Hugo’s toys, and the sparkly stones.

The day of Hugo’s funeral was a celebration of life, and love. Hugo’s first birthday was spent at the laptop getting #HugosLegacy trending (with the help of so many wonderful people); the first anniversary of his death was spent sprucing up his garden.

This anniversary was about love for me. Self-care. As well as visiting Hugo in his garden on Tuesday, I tried to keep myself busy with various things. I went to the gym and had my nails done with pretty new sunshine colours. I sat in the garden with my book, which to be honest I found difficult to get in to – and ended up falling asleep.

New nail colour.

A sleep in the sunshine is restorative. A bit like being that solar-powered butterfly in Hugo’s garden.

Self-care doesn’t solve everything, nor does it make things better. But feeling revived and a bit more full of life, even if only for a while is good, so I’m aiming to do more of it.

 

You’re Never Alone With a Book

Reading is often called a ‘solitary’ activity.

Fair enough, it’s something you do on your own, without needing the company of others –

(sometimes, to avoid the company of others).

You are never alone with a good book, though. Many happy hours of my life have been spent with my nose in a book, enjoying the company of its characters.

When I am in to a good book, I feel like I get to know its characters. Just like in real life, I have my favourites, and those I don’t like so much. Just like in real life, I root for my favourite people.

There have been times I have missed characters and the world they are set in when I have finished the book, so engrossed have I been in it.

Some books are addictive page-turners. Just one more chapter…

There have been times when I have sacrificed sleep in order to find out what happens next.

Books can transport you to different time zones, different places, different countries, different planets, different universes simply by turning a page.

Books can educate. Not just textbooks, or non-fiction: fiction can inform, too. If I read a book that is based on fact or real events, however tenuous the link, I like to look things up, read around the subject to find out more.

Outside on a bright day, feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin as you turn the pages.

Tucked up under a blanket on a chilly day,

Books can help you fill the time, to entertain

In the waiting room, on the bus, or on the train.

In public ignoring the strange looks when made to laugh out loud, or moved to tears.

Reading a book beats making small talk with strangers, though.

The book is good company.

Even in solitude

You are never alone with a good book.

 

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Linking up with Mum Turned Mom – prompt word ‘solitary’.

Liberated

The eagle-eyed amongst my regular readers may have noticed that I have posted just as much as ever in the past week, despite last week saying that I needed space away from blogging.

The space is still badly-needed. So, why do I feel liberated despite posting as much as ever? Because I told myself I didn’t have to. That’s the major difference. It is incredible how vocalising or writing something down can help! I write because I want to, it’s something I enjoy, gives me satisfaction, and keeps my mind working.

I just need to achieve the balance between keeping my mind working and wearing it out.

In recent weeks I’ve written a few weighty, epic opinion posts that took their toll emotionally, but they had to be written. I say ‘had’ to be written because they are issues that I feel very strongly about, and it is crucial to talk about them.

During the past week I have been taking part in a ‘writing your grief’ course. It’s an online community and participants are invited to use free writing in response to a prompt. Free writing is about going where your mind takes you, no self-editing or self-censorship, for a set amount of time (I’ve been doing about 15 minutes per prompt). It’s been emotional, of course, but therapeutic too. It is helpful to be prompted into thinking about things a different way, from an angle not previously considered and release pent-up feelings.

A couple of them have become blog posts: the beauty of them is that they needed to only to be copied and pasted, with a bit of tidying. A lot less gruelling on my old noggin. It is important to be open about grief because while it is felt individually, it helps others understand a bit more about how it feels. There are many other ‘writing your grief’ posts that will remain personal, though.

Cutting down on the linkies has been liberating, too. A couple of times this week I’ve found myself thinking “it’s x day, that’s x linky day”, but whereas previously I would have joined in irrespective of how I was feeling, I’ve stayed away if I’ve not felt up to it. The world (probably) won’t end. I’ve commented on posts that have caught my eye, which feels better than having to find a post in a linky that I feel able to read without feeling upset, let alone comment on.

Liberation feels good. I am getting better at recognising when I need to have a break, rather than continuing to make myself work so I don’t have to be at one with my thoughts.

This has given me more time to work on other things, and relaxation time, too – going to the gym, and reading. I’ve downloaded a stash of books to my Kindle as temptation to lure myself away from this screen to that one, and hopefully return to devouring books the way I always used to.

Expanding my horizons, step by step.

 

Sunshine

Last week, I reflected that I needed more balance in my life.

The word for this week could have been relaxation, but because the glorious sunshine was the catalyst for the chill out, the latter word wins.

During the past few months, I have felt unable to relax as well as reluctant to do relax. Left unoccupied, my mind wanders in to dark, unpleasant places.

Of course, that has left me feeling tired out. Combined with an increase in dosage of my medication, which makes me feel tired, hungover (unfair when I haven’t enjoyed the big night out to earn it) and with a brain like fudge, I’ve felt shattered.

September’s glorious sunshine is compensation for a disappointing August. I love summer and the sunshine, and have thought I had better make the most of it before the days get shorter, the temperatures drop and winter creeps in.

We’re fortunate in that our garden is a real sun trap and it often feels a few degrees warmer than it is. So, sitting outside with my book, if only for a couple of hours felt wonderful and like I was on holiday. Most importantly perhaps, it refreshed my mind.

Hurrah for sunshine – I’m making the most of it while it lasts.

The book I’m reading in the photo below is The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell. Highly recommended, as are all his books. He also wrote Cloud Atlas, which was made in to a film a couple of years ago. His books straddle genres, and I like the way he interweaves different stories and timelines. I cropped the photo so it doesn’t give away any spoilers!