Mindfulness

The focus of my week has been on mindfulness.

Various people have been encouraging (nagging 😉 ?) me to be kinder to myself. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to be kinder to myself, it is more that I have felt unable to. Not only has it been easier to keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about scary or awful memories, I have also been punishing myself. Irrational, I know, but that’s strong emotions for you.

Last Saturday I popped in to town seeking out a book a friend had recommended. I couldn’t find the book – it wasn’t in stock, so I ordered it, but while I was browsing in that section these two books caught my eye.

Serendipity, surely.

Mindfulness is another way of saying what my psychologist is trying to help me achieve: to feel ok about and accept however I am feeling, whether that feeling is happy, sad, or anything in between.

On Sunday, all the chatter over social media about Christmas preparations was, quite frankly, doing my head in, so I disengaged from it all and spent time looking through Hugo’s photos. As I’ve described in this post, doing such a simple thing was a revelation for me.

Drifting off to sleep last night, I hatched an idea: I would be mindful every day, and to hold myself to account I would post a photo on Instagram of something that had made me smile. If nothing had made me smile, I’d draw a picture that represented my mood and take a photo of that, instead. So, #31daysofmindfulness was created.

With Christmas being for me this year, being mindful is giving me something other than baring my teeth at festive joy to focus on.

Mindfulness has brought be some benefit this week: on Tuesday I did something unprecedented since I came home from hospital in London after Hugo died – I turned off my laptop and put the telly on. At 10.30am. It took a while to relax and get in to it, not just because daytime telly isn’t much good, but relax I did and I felt so refreshed for it.

This week’s mindfulness photos.

Christmas can be a stressful time for many people for all sorts of reasons. The pressure to be happy and full of joy all the time can get a bit much, so it can be good to have a bit of an outlet for the stress and feel able to say you’re just not feeling the joy – as well as being able to take a mindful breather amongst the hustle and bustle of gift buying, parties and all the other festive activities.

I am delighted that other people have chosen to join in, and are saying it has helped them, too. This gives me an additional happy feeling – I set it up thinking it was something I wanted to do, and if others wanted to do it too that was a bonus.

The moral: if you have an idea, go for it!

31 Days of Mindfulness – an antidote to seasonal stresses

It’s no secret that I am looking forward to Christmas being over. The excitement ramped up a couple of notches over the weekend with decorations being proudly displayed on social media, talk of gift buying, Christmas songs, advent calendar opening, and elves on shelves.

While I do not resent others’ excitement over the festive season, it adds to my sense of loss. I have been reading a grief book based on cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), and part of that is about training your mind to weed out unhelpful thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are more helpful. It’s not easy, and takes time – both to recognise and replace such thoughts when you are feeling low.

I have also been trying to practice mindfulness – awareness of ourselves and the world around us – well, since Saturday, when I bought a book about it. I have been pushing myself so hard with writing and other things so I do not have spare time to think, or let my mind drift off to those painful places.

The trouble is, I am not being kind to myself. I am also not giving myself time to properly grieve the loss of Hugo.

I love Hugo deeply and fiercely. I shall grieve for him deeply and fiercely.

Last night, I took myself away from social media and spent time looking at my photos of Hugo. Of course, I look at them all the time – I have framed photos displayed at home, Hugo’s photos adorn my lock and home screen on my phone and laptop, and they are all over my blog and social media.

However, it has been a while since I have sat and truly looked at the photos. I went through a phase of not getting absorbed in Hugo’s photos, because it hurt so much.

Looking through the photos last night was difficult, and emotional. I am glad I did it though because I rediscovered this photo.

Hugo

I love this photo because Hugo is being Hugo – his arms are supposed to be tucked under the yellow cloth (I used to tuck it into my bra to get my smell on it, then put it in the incubator with Hugo to get his smell on it – another way of bonding when you are separated), and his feet are supposed to be in his nest, all snug. Hugo, however, had other ideas: his arms are flailing around, and you can see the fingers of his right hand wiggling around. His feet – I have so few photos of his feet, in so many photos they are obscured by a probe, or wrapped in cotton wool – so precious! He’s flexing his toes. You can also see his handsome face really well, especially that gorgeous well-formed nose.

Studying that photo was bittersweet, yes, but it put a smile on my face. While I am heartbroken that I will never be able to see just how wilful my little boy would grow up to be, so much of Hugo’s personality is summed up in one photo.

Last night I had a brainwave. I am still disengaged from Christmas, but I realised I have a choice: I can spend the next month getting more and more cross and upset at the festive season, or I can do something to try to keep my mind off it.

So, I have invented 31 Days of Mindfulness. During this month, I will post a photo on Instagram of something that has made me smile, or helped me appreciate the joy in the day. There are likely to be days when I do not feel like smiling, or appreciating joy – and that is ok too – I might draw a picture of how I am feeling and take a photo of that. This exercise is a way to help me actively connect with my feelings every day, and record them too.

It is open to anyone, if you would like to join me: you do not need to have suffered a loss, or have a ‘bah humbug’ attitude to Christmas. Everyone can benefit from mindfulness, and this month can be pretty stressful whether or not you are looking forward to the big day.

Mindfulness, to me, is about feeling whatever you feel (it’s supposed to be non-judgemental), so there are no daily prompts. Post a photo of whatever is relevant to you in finding a bit of joy or happiness that day, however fleeting – or that reflects how you are feeling that day. Please do use the hashtag #31daysofmindfulness so we can find each other.

Cornwall’s great gifts

The natural beauty of Cornwall gave us a great gift recently – relaxation and a feeling of being refreshed and revitalised.

Martin and I were tempted to go on holiday shortly after Hugo’s death. We were a mouse click away from booking a trip to Madeira, but hesitated when we realised it was running away only to be miserable somewhere else – and pay for the privilege.

My beautiful Hugo

We have both been aware for months that we are in dire need of a break – we have been keeping ourselves busy because our minds drift off in to dark territory if left unoccupied. Several destinations were considered but we were unable to make a decision – a problem common amongst those affected by grief, apparently.

Finally, we settled on our destination. A destination much closer to home than we had anticipated: Cornwall. Cornwall has the advantage of us being able to drive there, and therefore be more in control of what we did and when. In addition, we planned to bookend our stay by visiting our respective parents in Devon.

First off was a couple of nights in Barnstaple visiting my mum. We enjoyed a blustery walk along Woolacombe beach – it was wonderful to be out in the open air and listening to the sound of the waves.

We then travelled down to St Ives. Martin booked all our hotel accommodation; it’s usually my job, but I have been so preoccupied with and unable to think about much beyond Hugo. He chose beautiful places. The Chy-An-Albany Hotel in St Ives is an old traditional big Victorian hotel. While our room was towards the rear of the hotel, we were fortunate that our room stuck out the side of the building, affording us a sea view, which was lovely.

St Ives

St Ives itself is incredibly pretty: a range of small beaches make it feel quite intimate. The winding streets in the main town have a variety of shops, including many selling yummy fudge. We visited out of season, which was pleasant – in high season it is apparently heaving.

From St Ives, we explored the area. The most southerly part of Cornwall is fairly small, making it easy to visit places. Sennen Cove is stunning, despite the drizzle during the morning we visited – I would like to return on a sunnier day. I wrote Hugo’s name in the sand.

Sennen Cove

Hugo’s name in the sand

Me at Sennen Cove, wrapped up against the wind and rain

Martin and I at Sennen Cove

Sennen Cove is a short drive from Land’s End. We drove into the car park, saw how foggy it was and drove out again, unwilling to pay for the privilege of imagining what the view is like. Instead, we drove on to Mousehole, a very pretty traditional Cornish fishing village. I was driving, and I felt fortunate that we were out of season – with its steep, narrow winding streets, the village was built centuries before cars were thought of. Thankfully, the rain cleared and the sun came out.

Mousehole

The final stop of the day was the Minack Theatre. The approach is steep and narrow, so we parked the car at the bottom and walked up, which afforded us a spectacular view of the beautiful Porthcurno beach. The beach is a secluded cove, breathtakingly beautiful with large waves breaking on it. It feels like it is not in this country.

A breathtaking view – Porthcurno beach

Minack Theatre itself should be listed as one of the modern wonders of the world. Built in to the cliffs in the 1930s, it still serves as an open-air theatre during the summer months. Watching a production there would be an incredible experience. The waves crash against the rocks below, and sometimes basking sharks and dolphins can be seen frolicking. We were so fortunate to have beautiful weather during our visit – it made it extra special.

Minack Theatre

Minack Theatre

Minack Theatre

Martin at the Minack

We planned a Tweet up with some friends we had got to know on the social media site. Our meeting was at the Halzephron Inn, a very atmospheric 15th century inn used historically by smugglers and wreckers. It was chosen as being dog friendly for our spaniel friends. We had a great time getting to know our friends in person, and enjoyed our stay at the inn.

Spaniel friends at the tweet up

Having missed seeing Land’s End, we journeyed to Lizard Point, the UK’s most westerly point. It didn’t disappoint, and we also took the opportunity of visiting the lighthouse.

Lizard Point

The best part of our holiday was to come: Martin had booked us in to the Mount Haven hotel in Marazion. This hotel was more expensive than we would usually spend on a hotel, but it was our special treat. I am so glad he did: our room had its own balcony with a sea view looking over St Michael’s Mount. Captivating. I enjoyed listening to the waves when I woke up at night.

The hotel lives up to its name – it is a real haven, and perfect for relaxing. I even had a nap one afternoon – while a nap might not be worthy of note to many, for me it was a significant development because during the past few months I have felt too tightly coiled to relax.

We enjoyed a delicious meal at the hotel – I loved my beautifully presented assiette of Cornish fish.

View of St Michael’s Mount from our hotel balcony

The assiette of Cornish fish tasted as good as it looked

Martin with his mouth-watering dessert

St Michael’s Mount is a picturesque attraction. We didn’t venture up to the castle because again the weather had deteriorated, but we certainly hope to visit again.

The weather at St Michael’s Mount was very overcast, but it made it look very atmospheric.

On our last day in Cornwall, we met up with our close friend and her baby, as I described in this post.

We thoroughly enjoyed Cornwall, and can’t believe we haven’t explored more of it before now. Many of the beaches, and the general laid-back atmosphere of the county remind us of our time in New Zealand, where we lived a decade ago.

I indulged in all the Cornish treats – fresh fish, proper cider (I had been put off it after the cheap stuff I drank during my student days, but proper cider is lovely, if strong!), ice cream, fudge and, of course, a cream tea.

Cream tea – yum!

Our holiday was concluded with a trip to south Devon to visit Martin’s family. The highlight of that visit was driving across Dartmoor: from Launceston, our sat nav directed us along the most direct route rather than a sensible one – which included rarely-used narrow steep lanes that led to a few nervous moment until we found a proper road again. We also journeyed up to Haytor – well we knew Haytor was there having seen and climbed it on previous visits but the fog concealed it well. The fog was so thick driving was interesting…but we made it back down safe and sound.

Haytor was in the fog behind me, apparently!

The holiday made us feel refreshed, which was very much needed. We also still have a healthy glow on our cheeks from all the wonderful fresh air. It felt good to break from our routine, to build and mend relationships. To be silly and have fun – and know that is ok lifted our spirits. To enjoy ourselves (I particularly enjoyed pretending to be a rally driver on some of the steep, winding roads) was revitalising.

The weather in south Devon was so good Martin was in shorts and tshirt – on October 30!

There were some low times, of course, including seeing families with children happily playing on the beach. We can hope, though, that one day that will be us with Hugo’s little brother or sister.

Cornwall, you have given us some great gifts. We shall return.

Sunshine

Last week, I reflected that I needed more balance in my life.

The word for this week could have been relaxation, but because the glorious sunshine was the catalyst for the chill out, the latter word wins.

During the past few months, I have felt unable to relax as well as reluctant to do relax. Left unoccupied, my mind wanders in to dark, unpleasant places.

Of course, that has left me feeling tired out. Combined with an increase in dosage of my medication, which makes me feel tired, hungover (unfair when I haven’t enjoyed the big night out to earn it) and with a brain like fudge, I’ve felt shattered.

September’s glorious sunshine is compensation for a disappointing August. I love summer and the sunshine, and have thought I had better make the most of it before the days get shorter, the temperatures drop and winter creeps in.

We’re fortunate in that our garden is a real sun trap and it often feels a few degrees warmer than it is. So, sitting outside with my book, if only for a couple of hours felt wonderful and like I was on holiday. Most importantly perhaps, it refreshed my mind.

Hurrah for sunshine – I’m making the most of it while it lasts.

The book I’m reading in the photo below is The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell. Highly recommended, as are all his books. He also wrote Cloud Atlas, which was made in to a film a couple of years ago. His books straddle genres, and I like the way he interweaves different stories and timelines. I cropped the photo so it doesn’t give away any spoilers!

 

 

 

Smile

As I mentioned in last week’s Word of the Week post, I’ve been making an effort to go to the gym more regularly.

Earlier this week, I had an incredible two-hour spa treatment. My generous work colleagues (thank you, thank you!) had bought me a voucher.

During the treatment, my tense shoulders were unknotted (they even cracked), my skin was brushed and exfoliated and I had a facial.

As a result of the exercise and the spa treatment my skin glowed, and I felt a bit brighter.

I added a bit more makeup than I have been during the past few months. Just a bit of tinted moisturiser, a flick of black eyeliner and some tinted lipgloss.

When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I realised I looked the best I have in months. That may seem shallow and superficial, but it also made me feel the best I have in months. In these difficult times, you have take the positives wherever you can find them.

To mark the occasion, I took this selfie and posted it on my social media accounts.

My lovely friends and family lavished me with compliments. It felt good, I can’t deny it.

One particular very dear friend hit the nail on the head. She remarked “You look beautiful – forget the hair or makeup, it’s the smile that makes it special.”

She is so right.

Before losing Hugo, I was known (amongst other things) for my ready, bright smile and infectious laugh. For obvious reasons, I have been doing less of those things during the past few months. And that’s fine. It’s part of the process.

Seeing that smile on my face reminds me that it is possible to get through this.

I’m not ‘better’, yet. Of course, it takes far, far more than a bit of eyeliner and lipgloss to manage or overcome anxiety and depression (wouldn’t it be amazing if that were the case?).

As time progresses, the better days will hopefully become more plentiful and the bad days will become fewer.

That smile will remind me that it is ok to be kind to myself. It will remind me that being kind to myself does me good.

That smile gives me hope.

That’s why ‘smile’ is my Word of the Week.