Sunday Thought May 17, 2015

Many of us waste time and energy wondering – and worrying – about what other people think of us. Wouldn’t it be liberating to not care?

Caring about others is good of course. Caring for others, their feelings and their wellbeing, putting their needs first when appropriate is a crucial part of a decent society.

But there is a difference between caring for others, and caring so much about what others think it becomes detrimental to your own emotional wellbeing.

When I first read this quote, while I really liked it an initial thought for me was “Eeek! Not everyone will like me?” That’s the people pleaser talking.

Then I realised why would I want everyone to like me? It is a natural aspiration, but it is not possible.

Think about it: by trying to keep everyone happy, and therefore liking you, you are bound to be not meeting your own needs.

It’s about being comfortable with what you look like. If you want to wear something, wear it.

It is about being comfortable with what you are interested in, even if it is something that is not considered ‘cool’ or whatever. If you like it, do it. (With usual caveats about not hurting anyone…).

It is about being comfortable recognising the times when you have to please yourself, do what is right for you and those closest to you.

It is about being comfortable with the recognition that mostly, people are usually too caught up in their own lives to notice or be too bothered with what you are up to.

It is about being comfortable with the knowledge that even if other people are bothered, other people will soon overcome minor offence.

And if they don’t? Some people will like you, others won’t. It is the way of life. Provided you are being a good person, are happy with who you are and what you have done in life, there is no point worrying too much about it. It is probably their problem, not yours.

Haters gonna hate and all that.

Channel your inner Taylor Swift, and shake it off.

Sunday Thought May 3, 2015: International Bereaved Mothers’ Day

Today is apparently Mothers’ Day in most parts of the world. Here in the UK, Mothers’ Day is in March. Who sets the dates for these things?

But that doesn’t matter. Today is also International Bereaved Mothers’ Day.

Today’s Sunday Thought is with the latter in mind. The thought comes from Angela Miller, the author of the wonderful I Am The Mother of All Mothers book that my heart and soul really needed so very much.

 

It is human nature, I think, to offer advice when someone is hurting. It is a kindness, we may think, to make the pain go away, to make the person better. Sometimes it’s appropriate, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

The bereaved get a lot of well-intentioned, unsolicited advice. I hate being told what I ‘should’, or ‘should not’ do. Too many times I have had someone talk at me. Perhaps they were trying to comfort me. But what I wanted to do was to tell my story, my way, in my own time.

They have assumed they know how I feel – assumptions based on their own experiences, perhaps, or things they have read.

We all grieve differently, in our own time, in our own way.

There is no right or wrong.

No ‘shoulds’ or ‘shouldn’t’.

As a result, I can be reticent to tell my story face-to-face, especially to people I don’t know, or trust.

Mothers who have lost a child suffer enough. Try not to offer advice if it is not asked for, however well-intentioned it may be.

Just be there.

Listen.

Hold their hand.

Give them a hug.

Send them a note, a message, a text to let them know you are thinking of them.

Because my world ended when Hugo died. My world has been clouded in the world of grief, a miasma of swirling greys.

Thank you to everyone who has been walking with me, helping me to see in colour again.

I imagine other bereaved mothers hold similar sentiments. If you know such a mother, please hold their hand, too.

Sunday Thought 26/04/15

We Brits are often perceived as being reserved. The ‘stiff upper lip’ must always be preserved, no emotions betrayed.

How many times have you apologised for an outburst – whether that outburst was of laughter, tears, or anger? If you are anything like me, it will be more times than I can count or remember.

It’s a bit daft, really. We are all human beings, and we will often have an emotional response to things. We should never apologise for being human (unless someone is hurt as the result of an angry outburst, but that’s slightly different).

Thankfully these days showing your emotions is acceptable – and in some situations even expected. I’m glad about that.

As this lovely quote shows, there is nothing wrong with showing your emotions. Indeed, showing your emotions shows that you care. It shows that you have a big heart.

I wear my heart on my sleeve: I will cry when something upsets me – and with joy. I will laugh heartily when something entertains me. I can be quick to show anger when someone has upset me, or someone I care about.

Freely demonstrating those emotions makes me, me.

I am (I hope you will agree) kind, generous, a good listener, with a strong sense of empathy, and fairness. Those qualities, I believe, go hand-in-hand with sensitivity and being able to show emotions.

I also believe we need more of these qualities in the world – and for them to be demonstrated more freely. For people to understand that showing emotion is a sign of strength, not weakness.

That means I won’t apologise for being sensitive or emotional (unless I unintentionally upset someone, of course). I am full of passion, with a big heart, and I will continue to show it.

What do you think of this quote?