Exhausted

I am exhausted. Emotionally wrung-out.

I am exhausted because my arms are empty. I am exhausted from trying to fill the void.

I feel that I should be exhausted. I am a new mum. New mums are always exhausted, aren’t they?

Instead of feeling exhausted because of caring for and nurturing my son, watching him grow and flourish, celebrating his milestones, I am celebrating his memory and nurturing his legacy.

I am exhausted because my baby is in my heart rather than in my arms.

I am exhausted because a part of my heart is gone forever.

I am exhausted from trying to explain the unexplainable.

I am exhausted because grief is crippling, all-encompassing and exhausting.

I am exhausted by those who seek drama and gossip. Thankfully, they are few, but it is The Way of Things that they sap the most energy.

I am exhausted from trying to get myself through each day although my world has ended.

I am exhausted because I have cried so many tears. Yet I know my supply of tears has not yet been exhausted.

I am exhausted of trying to live life, life that was so cruelly denied to Hugo.

I am exhausted. But I cannot stop. It is a kind of kinetic energy, it keeps me going. I fear that if I stop, I will fall apart. I will never be put back together again.

Hugo

Hugo

 

The Reading Residence

36 thoughts on “Exhausted

  1. Angela says:

    Leigh – I am sending you much virtual love and support. I can really feel your pain and it is so brave and positive that you are sharing this – for yourself, for others and for lovely little Hugo. You’re an inspiration and show that there is such strength in being vulnerable! I don’t have kids. although I’ve recently had two miscarriages (the most recent of which was ectopic) and I know how much pain that’s caused me (and still does at times) but I cannot imagine the pain from losing your little boy the way you did. Keep doing what you’re doing – taking each day as it comes, sharing your voice and helping others. xxxx

    Like

  2. SingleMotherAhoy says:

    You write beautifully; your posts have me mourning for a baby I never knew existed until he was gone. I should imagine these posts will help a lot of people in a similar position to you.
    I won’t offer platitudes because in my experience they are not of much use. I think of you often and read your posts even when they make me cry x
    Thanks for linking up with #WeekendBlogHop

    Like

  3. Emma says:

    Just read your about page also. Your story is very powerful. I hope your campaigning has an impact. I don’t know quite how to respond yo your post other than my heart goes out to you x

    Like

  4. thereadingresidence says:

    I cannot imagine what you’re going through. I’ve tried, as I have a close friend who lost her 2 day old baby a couple of years back, but whilst I tried to support her as best I could, I knew I could never possibly understand what she was going through. You’re building a legacy for him here, and doing a wonderful job building awareness, and I wish you some respite, at some point in the future, from your exhaustion xx
    Thanks for sharing with #WotW x

    Like

  5. Susanne Remic (@Ghostwritermumm) says:

    Sending you so much love. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that you face each day, and what a mammoth task it must be to even open your eyes to a world without your precious son each day. You are building a wonderful legacy for him and I hope you know that is an amazing thing to be doing x x x x x

    Like

  6. stayathomemumof4 says:

    Beautiful, emotional piece. I am so ver sorry for your loss and everything that you are going through. I wish I could take away your pain, I hope that blogging at least might give you some release. I find you such an inspiration and you are a very strong woman. Big hugs, thinking of you. Xx

    Like

I'd love to know your thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s