BritMums Live: What A Difference a Year Makes

I went to BritMums Live with a few simple goals: to tell people about #HugosLegacy and #MatExp; to learn how to extend their reach; to get some tips on getting my book published; to spend time with my friends and to enjoy myself.

This year’s event was a world away from last year, when I arrived not knowing a soul and felt terribly overwhelmed because everyone but me seemed to have friends to hang out with.

What a difference a year makes! I had a very long list of people to see and to hug – I feel privileged to know so many lovely people. The event was so hectic I didn’t get to spend as much time with some people as I would have liked, which was a real shame.

On the Friday, I felt fabulous in the gorgeous dress kindly gifted by Kaliko while on Saturday I wore my lovely versatile White Stuff dress.

I find such events a little over-stimulating – so much going on, so much to look at, and listen to. I often worry I am being rude when talking to someone because my eyes keep flitting around the room, and I felt awful too when I didn’t straight away recognise a couple of bloggers I regularly chat to.

The lovely Carla from Random Thoughts of a Twenty Something kindly let me bunk up with her at the Travelodge, and we travelled down together from our hometown.

I chatted to so many people – some of the photos we took are in the collages below.

With Vicky (Single Mother Ahoy) and Carla; with Sara (Mum Turned Mom) and Heledd (Running in Lavender); Hannah (Budding Smiles); Kiran (Mummy Says); Susanne (Ghostwritermummy).

With Katie (Pouting in Heels; Vicki (Honest Mum); Amy (Mr and Mrs T Plus Three); Michelle (Bod For Tea).

Waiting for the BiBs awards to start: Beth, Kathryn (Bumps and Grind), Louise (23 Week Socks), Oana (Mama’s Haven), Vicky, Carla; with Hayley (Downs Side Up); with Carla; with Kat (Beau Twins)

Gorgeous ladies: with Katy (What Katy Said), Katie, Hannah, Aby (You Baby Me Mummy)

I was so pleased to be able to give Oana from Mama’s Haven the huge hug I have been saving for her since we started chatting on Facebook last summer. Oana’s beautiful little boy Georgie sadly died from leukaemia last July, and we were able to sit and chat about our boys. We bereaved mothers have a sort of shorthand that others are very fortunate not to know. It’s the first anniversary of Georgie’s death shortly, please help Oana and her family celebrate this special little boy’s life by doing something for Georgie #LiveitforGeorgie.

Me and Oana

BML was like the first anniversary for me and beautiful Beth. At last year’s event, Beth saw a tweet I had made about an insensitive thing someone had sent to me and from then on looked after me. I am proud to call this wonderful, generous, and kind woman a friend and I’m pleased we were able to spend time together.

Me and Beth

There were people I wish I had more time to chat with – Susanne (Ghostwritermummy, and one of my #MatExp partners in crime). I was pleased to meet her beautiful daughter Elsie though. Elsie enjoyed grabbing my fingers and appeared to be entranced by my sparkly nail polish – clearly a girl after my own heart! Katie (Pouting in Heels) and I didn’t have nearly enough chatting time (and as our lunch in Leeds proved, we sure can talk. And talk….) Diaries at the ready for another meet-up, Katie! Renee (Mummy Tries) sadly couldn’t return on the Saturday, and I was really sorry to not have spent more time with her. And Tim (Slouching Towards Thatcham)! One of the few dad bloggers. We kept saying hello to each other but seemed to be unable to manage more than pleasantries. So pleased I gave you a big hug though, Tim.

I loved meeting and exchanging hugs with so many other lovely people, too.

To be honest, for me the social side of the event outshone the sessions. The event felt really friendly and easy going to me; I thought it was because I was comparing it to my experiences last year, but others echoed that. That’s as it should be, I think – it doesn’t matter how many followers you have or how many views your blog gets, we’re all human beings.

The icebreaker session turned out to be a world record attempt for the number of people dressed up as tissue paper mummies. We achieved it – by one! I felt bad for the mummies towards the back of the room who must have been sweltering in their toilet roll swaddling while they were waiting for the adjudicators to arrive. Despite our initial reluctance, the exercise was great fun – and we all got to say we’re record breakers. (Except I now have Roy Castle’s theme tune from the classic ’80s show in my head). Kudos to Michelle and Carla for volunteering to be our table’s mummies.

Mummies being mummies…

My favourite sessions were Women’s Voices; Digital Activism; and the support from blogging round table led by Hayley.

As talking about Hugo and about #MatExp were two of my goals at the event, I was pleased to be able to stick up my hand during the Women’s Voices and Digital Activism sessions to talk about Hugo and my work with his legacy, and with #MatExp. Women deluged Susanne and I after the #MatExp event wanting to get involved, which was fantastic. I’ve taken away some actions and ideas, which is brilliant. A lovely lady even told me her mum in South Africa would be so pleased to hear she’d met me, because her mum follows my blog – incredible.

I was also delighted to find out that I was Mumsnet’s Blog of the Day for my post about what I wanted the National Maternity Review to know.

Blog of the Day!

I also loved Victoria Wright’s fantastically moving and brilliant speech.

The bloggers’ keynote rounded off the event. I had entered my own post – A Celebration of Life – and was disappointed to not be chosen. However, I was pleased to learn that Louise from 23 Week Socks had been selected to read Twinkle Twinkle. This is an incredibly emotional, moving post about the death of a baby that is so similar to Hugo’s last moments it is uncanny. There are so few such stories around it naturally had a particular resonance for me, but it is also so beautifully written. Louise’s beautiful post is a tribute to all babies who didn’t make it home, and the staff who care for them and their families.

I had read Twinkle, Twinkle so many times I thought I could cope with listening to Louise reading the post, but I was wrong. There were some emotional posts preceding Louise that had already started to choke me up, but Twinkle Twinkle was far too close to home and I started to sob. Wracking sobs, in fact. It made me realise how foolish I was thinking I could have read my post about Hugo’s funeral. No chance.

I was grateful for the love and support of wonderful friends at my table who held on to me and didn’t let me go as my heart broke all over again. I am so grateful too to the wonderful friends came up to me and squeezed me with love and hugs after the keynotes had finished. Thank you all.

At first, I thought it was a shame that an event I had enjoyed so much ended with me sobbing. The sobbing wasn’t good, of course, but it also served to remind me that so often the lows come after the highs. Grief is always lurking under the surface. Just as importantly, I left feeling so loved and cared for by genuine friends who I can laugh with and cry with.

Blogging really can be amazing.

There was wine, there was yummy cake, I talked about my Hugo and #MatExp, I am blessed to have wonderful friends.

My business cards were hugely popular, and I have only a couple left! I’m glad they were a hit.

Some of my fabulous business cards.

I allowed myself to enjoyed myself, and enjoy myself I did. What a difference a year makes.

 

 

I’m Going to BritMums Live!

It’s nearly time for BritMums Live… I’m really looking forward to the two-day blogging conference. It promises to be a brilliant event, with the chance to catch up with so many of my friends, and get lots of tips from the sessions.

Please do come and say hello!

Name: Leigh (you pronounce it like you would ‘Lee’)

Blog: Headspace Perspective

Twitter ID: @leighakendall

Height: 5′ 4”

Hair: It’s naturally dark brown, and I have some blonde highlights. In fashion jargon I believe my current hair colour is called ‘bronde’.

Eyes: Green. I may wearing contact lenses or glasses.

Is this your first blogging conference? No, I was at BritMums last year. Since then, I’ve attended Mumsnet’s BlogFest last November, and BlogCamp in Birmingham last month.

Are you attending both days? Yes! I’m staying in a Travelodge with my good friend, lovely Carla from Random Thoughts of a Twenty Something.

What are you wearing? On the Friday I will be wearing this beautiful gifted Kaliko dress. Saturday will no doubt be another dress of some description.

What are you most looking forward to at BritMums Live 2015? So much! Most of all, I am looking forward to catching up with so many wonderful friends during the two days. Some friends I have met before and am so excited about seeing again, while others I am really looking forward to meeting for the first time. This is significant progress compared to last year’s event, when I arrived not knowing a single soul and was ready at one point to walk out and go home because everyone but me seemed to be surrounded by friends.

Besides the social side of the event, I am looking forward to being inspired by the sessions, and to leave with lots of ideas for my blog. I will be particularly looking for ways to further extend the reach of Hugo’s Legacy, so will be making sure I have a place at the digital activism session. Vicki (Honest Mum) will as always have fantastic tips on how to be a successful blogger in a way that is relevant to me (and you!). I am writing a book, so I will be making a beeline for the session on how to market myself and my writing.

What do you hope to gain from BritMums Live 2015? As above, ideas for generating further awareness of Hugo’s Legacy. I am also writing more posts about what makes me, ‘me’, and I often gain inspiration from talks at these events, as well as from exchanging ideas with other bloggers.

Do you have any tips to pass on to others who may not have been before? The event is huge, and can be overwhelming especially if you don’t know anyone as I discovered last year. The insta-walk taking place before registration is a brilliant idea, and will help break the ice.

Smile and introduce yourself to people. I know this can seem really scary, but the vast majority of people are kind and friendly.

It can be really noisy and overwhelming, so don’t be afraid to take regular breaks away from the hubbub to recharge. Not every session will tickle your fancy, so take the time to make the most of spending time chatting with your friends (and drinking wine!).

Phones and cameras are a must – and their respective chargers. I recommend wearing layers; even on a warm day, the venue’s effective air conditioning can be a bit chilly. Oh, and flat shoes for all the walking and standing around.

A small notebook and pen, and your business cards. You don’t need as much stuff as you think – you only end up lugging it around. Don’t forget the goody bag at the end of the conference is generous – and heavy!

This is what I look like with my specs on!

Hurly-burly

Phew.

The week has been hurly-burly, with myriad emotions.

Bittersweet highs: so many people remembering Hugo for his birthday, beautiful gifts full of symbolism; Hugo’s Legacy trending on Twitter.

Every day since Hugo’s birthday thinking what I was doing on this day last year. I was such a proud new mummy, yet bewildered in a hospital I was unfamiliar with, in part of London I was unfamiliar with, and mothering my son in a way I had never expected. A year ago today, Hugo had to have a chest drain because of a collapsed lung, while I was finally starting to feel physically better as the result of a blood transfusion.

My first photo with Hugo – taken on March 3.

March is a hurly-burly month. Thinking back to this time last year, the most wonderful and most heartbreaking 35 days of our lives cannot be helped. Knowing there will soon be a time when we can no longer say ‘last year’ about Hugo. Entering a new timeframe. Trying to look forward, to the next chapter of our lives. Trying to remind ourselves that Hugo would want us to be happy, to get out in the world.

Step by step, I have been getting myself out in the world.  In a controlled way, seeing people I know well, those who know my story and who I can rely on to be sensitive, but still I am doing it.

Having a chat with friends, a glass of wine perhaps, a laugh even. The conversations don’t always have to revolve around Hugo. Not talking about Hugo does not make me a bad mother.

Getting out there in the ‘real world’ acknowledges there is only so much Hugo’s Legacy can achieve as a keyboard warrior. This brought me the most inspiring and happiest day since Hugo died. I visited London, seeing friends. First was a catch-up with the lovely Kiran from Mummy Says, then a chat with the brilliant Michaela.

Kiran and me.

This was followed by accompanying Michaela to a meeting at Best Beginnings with Alison, their effervescent CEO. It was lovely to meet Alison after chatting on Twitter for the past few months.

You may remember that for Hugo’s birthday we have been fundraising for DVD players so St George’s neonatal parents could watch the Small Wonders films – Best Beginnings is the charity that made them. I heard more about their great work, met the brilliant team, and talked about the work I have been doing as part of Hugo’s legacy. I was bowled over when I was told that other bereaved parents are fundraising for Best Beginnings, after reading about Hugo.

Best Beginnings’ Small Wonders DVDs.

Hugo and his legacy are making an impact. The news above added to the knowledge that my tweets on Hugo’s birthday had a reach of 1.1 million creates hurly-burly emotions.

We are achieving positive change. I do not need punish myself. I have nothing to punish myself for.

I can relax a bit. I need to relax a bit.

During the past week I have been keeping myself busy. I was tempted to label this activity a ‘regression’, because I have returned to being emotionally exhausted and finding it difficult to relax.

I have to remember to not forget my grief, make time for it, nurture it. I have already learned the hard way that ignoring my grief makes it worse.

It is not a ‘regression’ because it is part of the hurly-burly pattern to grief. Unpredictable, non-linear.

But I am strong, and having survived the past year I surely can deal with anything.

The other night, Martin and I gave a toast to Hugo, and to ourselves for having survived this hurly-burly year.

What makes a pleasure ‘guilty’?

Guilty pleasures. Most of us have them.

But what makes a pleasure ‘guilty’?

A pleasure is something we enjoy doing, something we look forward to. Something that makes us, us.

A pleasure becomes guilty because it is something we think we shouldn’t be doing – often because it’s perceived as ‘uncool’.

Back when I was 12, my best friend at the time and I spent a happy afternoon playing with my collection of Barbies. The Barbies all had their hair done, and were styled in immaculate outfits. While my friend and I enjoyed our afternoon, we swore each other to secrecy: under no circumstances were we to reveal our guilty pleasure to anyone else at school. At the grand old age of 12, we were supposed to be long past playing with Barbies!

At that age, with school and peer pressure paramount, not being open about what I enjoyed doing is kind of understandable.

But as a grown-up? Not so much. We are all individual, and, in theory, should be beyond what people think of what we enjoy doing (provided it’s legal, doesn’t hurt anyone, and involves consenting adults – and all other relevant caveats).

I started to think about guilty pleasures when listening to the radio. Barry Manilow’s Copacabana came on – I smiled and sang along. I tweeted the radio station to say thank you for the guilty pleasure – but afterwards thought why on earth should I feel guilty about it? I enjoyed it, and it made me smile. I really don’t care who knows that I sang along to Barry Manilow (obviously, I wouldn’t be putting it on the interweb otherwise!).

Likewise I don’t care that people know about something else previously known as a guilty pleasure. Watching Neighbours is now known simply as a pleasure. Before I went on maternity leave, on returning home from work I would sit down with a cup of tea and watch some Australian antics. When the closing credits came on – and only then – was Martin permitted to talk to me. Erinsborough’s finest helped me unwind. An Australian soap opera and an English cup of tea – I found the perfect blend (sorry!).

Chocolate and wine also feature on my list of pleasures. They may find themselves on the ‘guilty’ list because while delicious, they are not good for my waistline or my insides. Well, experts have said that chocolate and red wine (my favourite) can be good for you (in moderation; that pesky word is very subjective!). Indulging in a bar of chocolate and sharing a bottle of wine with my other half makes me feel happy, and provided I don’t overdo it what is there to feel guilty about?

Other guilty pleasures include indulging in a bit of online shopping – for shoes, say, or a new dress. Window shopping, whether real or virtual, can brighten our day – as can indulging in buying something.

I suppose the ‘guilty’ part comes in to play with clothes shopping when we have several dresses or pairs of shoes in our wardrobe that (ahem) have rarely, if ever, seen the light of day. We would also feel guilty when we have spent money we should have saved, didn’t really have, or should have spent on something ‘sensible’ and less frivolous.

What’s the solution to shopping guilt? Umm…when you find out, please let me know!

A book all about some of my greatest pleasures!

In seriousness, consumerism doesn’t make anything better, and if you don’t have the money can make things much worse. That said, if a little bit of what you fancy helps put a smile on your face and a spring in your step, go for it.

Life is too short to care about what anyone else thinks of how you choose to spend your time, your money, what you are interested in, and what makes you happy.

Enjoy your pleasures. Indulge. Celebrate your individuality. It’s what makes the world interesting!

We have so many things in life to feel bad about. Why not remove the guilt from your pleasures and revel in what brings a bit of joy to your life?