Sunday Thought July 18, 2015: Don’t Wait for a Life-Changing Event To Change You

There were many ideas for today’s Sunday Thought floating around my head this morning, each of them calling “Pick me! Pick me!”

But none of them grabbed me.

You see, I try to always write from the heart, rather than from a sense of obligation that I must write something.

Then serendipity struck – I spotted this tweet bearing this fab graphic (thanks Gill!):

Life experiences can jolt us out of the 98% mindset. 👀
The 2% mindset. Via @helenbevan pic.twitter.com/1R65NOkjQ5 pic.twitter.com/gRXhjT6cxf

— Gill Phillips (@WhoseShoes) July 18, 2015

Now it’s the sentiment that is important here, not the exact statistics. There is no citation to explain where the figures are from, nor who did the research. It doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is that we can all recognise the disparity between the number of people we know who live in the safe, cosy comfort zone and those who are getting the most out of their lives.

There are probably as many reasons for staying in the comfort zone as there are motivational quotes on social media (clue: lots). Those reasons might include something as understandable as staying in a job you don’t like because it suits your and your family’s current needs, and pays the bills; or simply because it’s just not possible to fly to Mars yet.

In seriousness, though, we need to be mindful of what are reasons for staying in the comfort zone – and tell them apart from excuses.

Excuses are hurdles you put in your own way. Hurdles that stop you following your dreams, embracing the unknown, exploring new things because you’re worried about what others might think, you’re scared of rejection or failure, or it’s just easier to not bother.

It’s a sweeping generalisation, but those on the outside of the circle tend to have in common a life-changing experience. Something that has stopped them in their tracks, made them realise tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Something that made them realise that rejection and failure are not the worst things in the world (and that not trying – regrets – are worse).

It doesn’t mean that the people on the outside of the circle are heartless, unfeeling narcissists. Quite the contrary: I would argue a life-changing experience makes us more feeling, empathetic, caring, and kind.

The difference is the life-changing experience has helped us put life in perspective, identify what is important.

The trouble with life-changing events is that they’re usually not fun. The experience may have involved you losing someone you love, or a very real threat to your own life. They are definitely not to be recommended: the emotional, psychological and physical effects endure months, years later (I still have panic attacks about my own time in hospital, and about Hugo’s death as well as a number of related things. It’s exhausting.)

So what I would like you to think about this Sunday is: are you sitting comfortably in your comfort zone? Would you like to do something about moving out of it? It doesn’t mean transforming your whole life – it’s not always feasible. But there’s usually at least one thing we can change about our lives to turn us from getting by, playing it safe, settling for less to living life without limits, going for your dreams, getting the most out of your life.

Stop procrastinating.

Go. Reflect. Make a list. Talk to your friends and family. Whatever works for you.

Just do it.

And don’t wait for a life-changing event to change you.

 

Sunday Thought May 17, 2015

Many of us waste time and energy wondering – and worrying – about what other people think of us. Wouldn’t it be liberating to not care?

Caring about others is good of course. Caring for others, their feelings and their wellbeing, putting their needs first when appropriate is a crucial part of a decent society.

But there is a difference between caring for others, and caring so much about what others think it becomes detrimental to your own emotional wellbeing.

When I first read this quote, while I really liked it an initial thought for me was “Eeek! Not everyone will like me?” That’s the people pleaser talking.

Then I realised why would I want everyone to like me? It is a natural aspiration, but it is not possible.

Think about it: by trying to keep everyone happy, and therefore liking you, you are bound to be not meeting your own needs.

It’s about being comfortable with what you look like. If you want to wear something, wear it.

It is about being comfortable with what you are interested in, even if it is something that is not considered ‘cool’ or whatever. If you like it, do it. (With usual caveats about not hurting anyone…).

It is about being comfortable recognising the times when you have to please yourself, do what is right for you and those closest to you.

It is about being comfortable with the recognition that mostly, people are usually too caught up in their own lives to notice or be too bothered with what you are up to.

It is about being comfortable with the knowledge that even if other people are bothered, other people will soon overcome minor offence.

And if they don’t? Some people will like you, others won’t. It is the way of life. Provided you are being a good person, are happy with who you are and what you have done in life, there is no point worrying too much about it. It is probably their problem, not yours.

Haters gonna hate and all that.

Channel your inner Taylor Swift, and shake it off.

Sunday Thought May 3, 2015: International Bereaved Mothers’ Day

Today is apparently Mothers’ Day in most parts of the world. Here in the UK, Mothers’ Day is in March. Who sets the dates for these things?

But that doesn’t matter. Today is also International Bereaved Mothers’ Day.

Today’s Sunday Thought is with the latter in mind. The thought comes from Angela Miller, the author of the wonderful I Am The Mother of All Mothers book that my heart and soul really needed so very much.

 

It is human nature, I think, to offer advice when someone is hurting. It is a kindness, we may think, to make the pain go away, to make the person better. Sometimes it’s appropriate, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

The bereaved get a lot of well-intentioned, unsolicited advice. I hate being told what I ‘should’, or ‘should not’ do. Too many times I have had someone talk at me. Perhaps they were trying to comfort me. But what I wanted to do was to tell my story, my way, in my own time.

They have assumed they know how I feel – assumptions based on their own experiences, perhaps, or things they have read.

We all grieve differently, in our own time, in our own way.

There is no right or wrong.

No ‘shoulds’ or ‘shouldn’t’.

As a result, I can be reticent to tell my story face-to-face, especially to people I don’t know, or trust.

Mothers who have lost a child suffer enough. Try not to offer advice if it is not asked for, however well-intentioned it may be.

Just be there.

Listen.

Hold their hand.

Give them a hug.

Send them a note, a message, a text to let them know you are thinking of them.

Because my world ended when Hugo died. My world has been clouded in the world of grief, a miasma of swirling greys.

Thank you to everyone who has been walking with me, helping me to see in colour again.

I imagine other bereaved mothers hold similar sentiments. If you know such a mother, please hold their hand, too.