In Appreciation of All That Is Good

A post in appreciation of the positive things that have happened this week:

– Lazy day on Monday.

Self-care time on the sofa with my Kindle

The reason for the lazy day wasn’t so good: a very low mood, unsure of what to do with myself. Fortunately Monday was my no-work day this week so I was able to do some self-care. I read my book: some fiction on my Kindle, and the amazing Flourish Handbook by Cheryl Rickman, which contains these words of wisdom I thought you, dear readers might appreciate too:

 

I also settled down to watch a film I had wanted to watch for a long time, the classic All The President’s Men. Which leads me to my next point:

– Google!

I am old enough to remember life before Google and social media, but watching All The President’s Men gave me a reminder of how much we now take this technology for granted, and how quickly we forget life before having so much information at our fingertips.

If you haven’t seen the film, Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman play the Washington Post reporters who uncover the Watergate scandal of 1972 that led to the resignation of President Nixon in 1974. They hunt for evidence, leads and sources using telephone books, and have assistants poring through clippings files for sources’ backgrounds. So much legwork that could be done today in a matter of minutes.

(There is another point to appreciate: such vibrant newsrooms for print media are rare, sadly, with the growth of online news).

– My work (‘proper job’) and my colleagues

My dread of returning to work made me feel incredibly anxious, but thankfully so far the anticipation was much worse than the reality. I call it my ‘proper job’ because #HugosLegacy and #MatExp are like jobs in themselves, but the ‘proper job’ is the one that pays the bills!

I feel very fortunate working on patient experience projects – my love, my passion – and to be making a difference as part of my job. A privilege. I am also privileged to work with wonderful, caring people who love me for being myself.

A meeting with the wonderful Kath Evans yesterday was thoroughly appreciated, too. I really enjoyed the opportunity to chat in person, and left bouncing with positivity and ideas I can’t wait to tell my colleagues about – and get in to action at work.

Kath and me

– #HugosLegacy and #MatExp

Hugo’s Legacy grows more and more by the day. Wednesday brought a trip to London to attend a neonatal clinical outcomes meeting as a parent representative: I was pleased to make a positive contribution, and for that contribution to be appreciated.

This week I received a number of emails and social media messages from readers saying how much my writing had touched them, or helped them in their own grief journey. Why We Need To Reconsider How We Engage With Bereaved People, and Moving Forward, Not Moving On seem to have been particularly resonant. To know that my writing – and therefore Hugo’s Legacy – is appreciated and having an impact is wonderful.

To date, #HugosLegacy has had nearly 100,000 impressions on Twitter (‘impressions’ means that tweets bearing that hashtag have been delivered to that number of timelines), which means (in combination with trending on Hugo’s first birthday in February) the message is getting out there.

#MatExp is growing all the time, too – to date #MatExp tweets have had more than 152 million – yes, million! – impressions, and it was trending this week, too. It’s amazing – I am so proud to be involved. From the feedback we are getting from many sources it seems that health professionals and users alike are appreciating the value of our grassroots, JFDI (just effing do it!) campaign.

A very kind friend sent me some star-shaped buttons because she thought I would like them – greatly appreciated!

– Another year older next week

Birthdays don’t hold the same level of excited anticipation as birthdays as when I was a child. Last year’s birthday – the first after Hugo – was kind of just another day, I didn’t have the heart to celebrate. This year, I am going to try to make more of an effort for no other reason than to appreciate the fact I have lived another year, and that I appreciate the value of growing another year older.

What have you appreciated this week?

 

Sunday Thought June 28, 2015: A Positive Outlook

Since Hugo died, a number of lovely people have observed that I seem to be so strong, so brave, so positive.

It often feels like a false modesty to say I’m not.

Maybe I am, to a certain degree: it probably would have been much easier to have taken to my bed, stuck my head under the duvet and waited for everything to be better again.

It wasn’t about making a conscious decision, though.

I had to carry on.

I had to keep breathing.

I had to get up every day.

I had to write, to campaign, to channel my anger and energies into something constructive, positive.

I have never forgotten, not even for a moment, that I could have died. Nor can I ever forget that Hugo, my precious little boy who gave so much to the world in his 35 days, is no longer here.

So I keep going.

A positive outlook doesn’t mean someone is ‘positive’, though.

To see someone seeming to turn a personal tragedy or trauma in to a positive and thinking that makes them a ‘positive person’ does them a disservice.

Why?

Because people are multi-faceted.

Because to say someone is ‘dealing with things’ positively, while intended kindly and as a compliment forgets empathy, the vital stepping for a moment in to someone’s shoes.

It makes assumptions about what that person’s life is like.

It forgets to ask questions.

It forgets life is never simple, never black-and-white.

It disregards the fact that life after grief and trauma is like riding waves – sometimes the sea is calm, tranquil perhaps. You float along.

Sometimes the sea is rough, black as ink, throwing you around as if in a spin cycle threatening to drown you, sharks circling beneath you just waiting for you to give up give in and you will sink down down down deeper deeper deeper until….

You get the picture. The point is the sea is always there.

You sink or swim, to an extent.

You can prepare all the life buoys, dinghies, boats, transatlantic liners if you like to help keep you afloat.

It is a constant fight.

There are times when I thought the storm would never end.

I am inclined towards positivity, yes. The glass is usually half-full. Trauma shows you what is most important.

That means you are unlikely to find me engaging in negative activities – gossip, sniping – or simply things I don’t enjoy.

Life after is often about survival. Finite supplies of energy.

Focusing on the positive gives me more energy to survive, and even to thrive.

But please remember: if you see a bereaved person with a smile, a focus, a purpose, seeming happy even. Try not to tell them they’re doing well. Ask them how they are doing, and listen. Reflect that a positive day might be that day, or even that part of a day – it is not necessarily representative of their life.

While I may seem to be positive on the whole, there are times I feel anything but. I know I am not alone in that.

The world would be a better place for more empathy, understanding, listening, reflecting.

A far more positive outlook.

Channelling the messages from my fab business cards (except for the ‘fat’ part, of course).

Sunday Thought May 23, 2015: Giving In is NOT the same as Giving Up

Ever felt like you just want to hide under your duvet and never emerge? Like you want the world to just go away and leave you alone?

Me too.

There is a popular motivational quote by Regina Brett:

“No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, show up, and never give up.”

I agree with this quote on most days. Reflecting that I am fortunate to be alive, that life is short I usually get up, make myself presentable and show up – on my blog and on social media at least, if not in person.

I’ve done the getting up, dressing up and showing up thing even when I really haven’t felt like it. I should have given in to the urge to sit on the sofa, watch rubbish TV, read a book, or do colouring-in.

Instead, I carried on working away, putting pressure on myself, feeling guilty if I wasn’t doing something productive, constructive. The guilt was even more acute if I was doing something that did not directly involve Hugo’s legacy. There have been times when I have felt guilty for enjoying myself.

It has taken me some time to realise that giving in is not the same as giving up.

No, not by a long shot.

There are plenty of days when I have not felt very sociable. I have stayed within the controlled environment of my own home, but engaged happily enough on social media and on my blog.

There are some days, like yesterday for example, when I didn’t want to be on social media. I felt very low and thought it best to stay away rather than pretend to be cheerful, or whatever the online equivalent of putting on a fake smile is.

I was low because of a rollercoaster week. So, I indulged in some self-care with a magazine.

The magazine part of the self-care didn’t last very long because the cat wanted to help me relax. Her idea of helping me relax is to lie on me and get me to fuss her, leaving no hands spare to hold the magazine. I don’t mind though of course, fussing her and listening to her blissed-out purring is one of the best-possible forms of relaxation.

Today, I am happy to report, I feel brighter. Recharged.

The lesson is it is ok, acceptable, fine to give in sometimes. There is so much pressure on us to be all things to all people. To be happy all the time. To always be ‘ok’, grateful for who and what we have, who and what we are. To be go, go, go.

Trying to achieve these impossible ideals will only make us unhappy, stressed out over time – not just for the bereaved. It works for all of us.

So, taking inspiration from Regina Brett here is my thought for the day:

I even treated myself to a new pink lipstick, which also helped put a smile on my face.

There is no easy fix for grief, anxiety, or any such complex emotions. They are not easy to control. But I do whatever I can to make sure to help balance out the negative emotions with a bit of positive energy.

Affirmation

You know, there are some weeks when I um and aah about the word to choose to sum up my week. There are also weeks when I know exactly what my word of the week is. This is one of the latter weeks – it has been a week of affirmation.

It is almost a year to the day since I wrote HELLP Raise Awareness. When I wrote that post, I was still numb after the trauma of that experience, and of Hugo’s death. I was all too aware I should still be pregnant, with a few weeks yet to go. Anger and guilt ruled my life. I was, and remain, committed to Hugo’s Legacy and making sure my beautiful little boy is never forgotten through making a difference to other people’s lives.

It is nearly a year ago now that I stood up in the packed hall at the Britmums Live conference after Life As A Widower’s keynote speech to thank him for helping make death less of a taboo, and to say how hurt I had been by another blogger’s insensitive comment.

So much has changed in that year.

I still baulk at the suggestion that ‘things happen for a reason’, or ‘ah well, you’ve turned your loss in to a positive’. Anyone who says that to me risks being thumped – you have been warned.

That said, blogging has given me a purpose. I blamed myself, hated myself so much for failing my son. My blog became a means of channelling all that pent up anger and energy into something positive – for me, and for other people.

As regular readers may know, the success of my blog since Hugo died has made me feel uncomfortable. I never wanted success this way, and would gladly trade it to have Hugo back in my arms.

I have had to acknowledge that wishing things were different does not make them different. Blogging does not bring Hugo back, but it keeps his spirit, his memory alive.

I have been learning that it is acceptable to be proud of what I have achieved in the past year. I have been learning that to be proud of my achievements, or to carve a career from it if the opportunity arises is not profiting from my son’s death. I have been learning that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought possible, and I can give to others so much more than I imagined.

Some of that learning has been part of the journey. Some of it came from last week’s BlogCamp. Some of it came from my shortlisting in the Brilliance in Blogging Awards.

The ultimate affirmation, though, came in the form of an email I received from a woman who is recovering in hospital several weeks after being diagnosed with HELLP syndrome, and suffering organ failure. Her baby boy sadly died. Like me, and so many other HELLP syndrome survivors she had never heard of the condition. A doctor at first misdiagnosed her condition as heartburn. This is an excerpt from her email:

I am plagued with a range of emotions, most of which I couldn’t put into words until I read your blog. It was like you had taken the words out of my mouth. Thank-you from the bottom of my broken heart for being a voice for those of us who can’t speak.

Award nominations and the like are wonderful, appreciated, the icing on the cake if you like. But THIS is why I blog. THIS is why I pour out my heart on a regular basis. To help others in a similar position, and to help others who have not shared these experiences learn how to support those who have.

 

Don’t Anticipate a Good Day, Or a Bad Day. Just Have A Day

Have you ever felt pressure to be happy?

I have.

Some of that pressure has come from me: my own brush with death, and the death of my son Hugo has left me with (amongst many other things) a sense that days of my life must not be wasted. That I must appreciate every day of life, and to the full.

Some of the pressure is external, from things like inspirational quotes that get shared on social media. Dependent on my mood, I can appreciate what some of them are saying but others can be what I like to call ‘unicorns farting rainbows’.

Rationally, I know even the more unrealistic quotes aren’t expecting people to go around hugging strangers, and dancing in fields full of flowers. They are trying to tell people to not sweat the small stuff, to appreciate the good in every day, to take a moment to think about the things that make them happy.

That near-death experience and Hugo’s death have given me a sense of perspective: I tend to not get stressed about trivial things like I used to. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Conversely, however, a legacy of what happened is anxiety. Anxiety can make feeling happy a challenge. That can be frustrating because anxiety very often defies any rational explanation.

As you might expect, I often feel sad. Sadness is the polar opposite to happiness. Sometimes turning the frown upside down just isn’t easy – or possible.

I know that I am fortunate to still be alive, which forms a fundamental appreciation of the good in every day. Every day I try to think of three good things that have happened to me (however small). It is a good habit to get into – but mostly I forget. Sometimes, the forgetting makes me feel bad – I’m not doing something I ‘should’ be doing.

There are many things that make me happy in life. The trouble is, my perspective on the things that make me happy has changed in the past year. That is bound to happen, really. The joy I felt for spring’s arrival has been tempered by thoughts of what happened last year. The pleasure I used to take in watching films and reading books isn’t quite there in the way it used to be, due to poor concentration and being vigilant for triggers (I am getting back in to them, though, which is something to be happy about). Perhaps I need to write a list of things that make me happy.

Or, at least things that make me smile, lift my mood a little.

I say that because I sometimes ask whether I can feel happy? Bereavement can make me think that I will never again feel happy, partly due to the sadness of grief and partly due to guilt that I ‘shouldn’t’ feel happy.

Of course I deserve to be happy, just like anyone does. Easier said than done, though.

So, happiness is something I want, and that I deserve. But this most humble of concepts can be hard to grasp because of changing perspectives, shifting moods, grief taking away happiness, guilt when feeling happy, guilt when not feeling happy, anxiety, being frustrated with the anxiety, pressure to feel happy (and pressure is rarely good).

Phew.

With all those complexities in mind, I was relieved to spot this quote on Twitter today.

I know, you’re sad, so I won’t tell you to have a good day. Instead I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day.

For many people, for so many reasons simply getting through a day is an achievement. Sometimes you need a bit of time to just be.

It’s not that I don’t wish you a ‘good’ day. I hope you have a lovely day. But that isn’t always possible.

Expectations are tiring, as is guilt.

I am trying to tell myself that feelings are what they are (and don’t tell me it’s ok to not be ok).

Easier said than done, I know all too well.

Don’t give up. Step by step, things can change. Maybe not better, different perhaps. I have days I can call a ‘good’ day. I have days I call ‘bad’ days. I have days where I feel both joy and sorrow. And lots of other things besides. Most of us experience a range of emotions during a day, whatever we are doing.

If days are going to be labelled perhaps it is better to label them retrospectively, when the day is done.

So have a day.

No prefix, no expectations. No shoulds or shouldn’ts.

Sometimes you want a good day – and you can feel it. Being positive, if you genuinely feel positive, is great. Sometimes, though, you can feel it’s going to be a bad day. Can you make a day good or bad through positive and negative expectation? Maybe, maybe not. Some things are within our control, others are not. A discussion for another day.

You don’t have to anticipate a good day, or a bad day. Especially if getting through the day is a going to be a challenge.

Just have a day.

 

Do you feel pressure to be happy?