As much as we might like to kid ourselves otherwise, we do not have complete control over everything in our lives.
Instead, we hold hope, faith, wish for luck. We trust.
Without trust, our society, our lives would be very unpleasant indeed. We trust our partners and spouses to remain faithful.
We trust our children to behave themselves when out on their own, or with others.
We trust that when we get in to our car to drive somewhere other drivers will safeguard our lives by driving sensibly, obeying the rules and laws.
We trust that when we go to work, we will get paid what we are owed at the end of the month.
We trust that when we go to sleep at night, we will wake up the next morning and carry on with the day we had planned. Not having trust in these things would make life pretty challenging, wouldn’t it? We would always be on our guard, suspicious. We might be disinclined to leave the house. Doesn’t sound like much fun to me.
Trust is good. But trust means letting go. Something we probably don’t trust as much as we should is ourselves.
We have forgotten to trust our instinct, to trust ourselves to make the right decision. We don’t let go. Of what others think, of what we feel we ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing.
We choose not to trust our individual nature, instead steering ourselves towards conforming to norms dictated to others.
But sometimes we trust too much. We put trust in people who are undeserving. People who have hurt us. People who hurt us again, and again. We submit to the plea to give just one more chance. We do not trust our instinct, we ignore it, pretending that we can have a future with someone who is not worthy of our trust. Most of us will have given our trust to someone who doesn’t deserve it at some point in our lives.
We need to let go, but know when to reel it in.
A fine balance indeed.
We can put too much trust in expecting there to be an infinite amount of tomorrows.
Putting too much energy in to worrying about things, what we’ve done, what we should do, what we would like to do. Thinking about regrets rather than aspirations.
But we cannot be so fearful of there being a limited amount of tomorrows that we forget to live. Not to just exist, but to live. Really live.
In whom or what do I trust?
To be honest, I don’t know. I trust in people following our society’s everyday rules, that harm will not come to me when I leave the house, but my anxiety would like to tell me otherwise. Anxiety, expecting the worst is exhausting. I try to control it rather than it controlling me.
I have to trust.
I have learned to let go, to not care too much what others think. I try to trust myself: my instinct, remaining true to my nature. I am learning, where my trust is invested most wisely.
These investments offer rich rewards.
The hardest lessons to learn are those where my trust is not deserved. Those lessons can be learned only the hard way.
I trust that when I go to sleep at night, I will wake up in the morning and that I will go about my day as planned.
But my life has shown me that the universe does not always play by the rules. The universe can take your trust, rip it up, stamp on it, spit on it.
The universe doesn’t always care about what you have put your trust in. Where your hopes are stored. What luck you hope for.
Another important lesson to learn.
So, what do I do?
I try to be kind to myself. I tell myself that I am permitted to be furious at the hand I have been dealt.
But I also try to remember everything that is good. To be grateful for the time I had with Hugo. To be grateful for my family, my friends. To be grateful for the skills I have, for the positive contribution I can make on the world with Hugo’s legacy.
Remembering everything that is good, having hope, doing everything I can to truly live helps me to keep going.
Remembering that I have kept going when I could easily have hidden under my duvet.
Remembering that there is hope inspires me to never give up.
None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, yet still we go forward. Because we trust. Paulo Coelho
I am not especially religious. I believe there is ‘something’, particularly since Hugo died feeling that there is an ethereal something, someone looking after him is a comfort. Feeling that Hugo is still with me, us, is also a comfort.
But I do not subscribe to a particular religion, or believe there is a ‘higher purpose’. For me, never giving up means trusting in the future.
It means trusting that while the past cannot be mended, things can never be put right, the future can bring happiness and joy.