Life After…Losing Robin

This week’s Life After…story comes from the wonderful Rosey. You may know Rosey as the creator of #PNDHour on Twitter, the peer and professional support network that helps women (and men) get through a host of emotional and psychological issues related to pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

Rosey is a mother of three young children, and experienced antenatal and postnatal depression all three times.

A few months ago Rosey confided that she had recently lost a baby who she called Robin and I sent her lots of supportive love and hugs. A couple of weeks ago I discovered the nature of Rosey’s loss, and my supportive love and hugs remained.

Ending a pregnancy can never be an easy decision, especially when it is for reasons beyond your control. I hope you will join me in sharing lots of respect, love and hugs to Rosey for having the bravery to share this beautiful letter to Robin.

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My dear Robin

Almost a year ago now I had to say goodbye to you, it was without a doubt the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make but just because I chose to say goodbye doesn’t make losing you any easier, a part of my heart went with you but at the same time a part of you has stayed with me.

I can’t stand the words ‘Abortion’ or ‘Termination’ they are such harsh words for such a heartbreaking decision, I lost you it’s that simple. I lost a future son or daughter, I lost experiencing breastfeeding again, I lost loving another child as much as I love your sister and brothers. I lost being a mum again. I lost you.

I wish beyond measure that I didn’t have to say goodbye but it was the kindest thing I could have done for you. If I’d survived being pregnant again I wouldn’t have been a happy mum, I would have struggled to take care of you and siblings because when I become a mum I get the unwanted gift of depression and it takes over me and makes everything really hard and sometimes it makes me suicidal.

Some people don’t understand how anyone can chose to say goodbye to a child but you are with me every day in spirit, guiding me, reassuring me that I’m doing my best, you’re helping me be a better mum, I named you Robin because I didn’t know your gender and now whenever I see a robin I like to think it’s you popping by to say hello and checking up on us all.

You’ve taught me more about compassion and understanding for other women who go through the same thing, it is heartbreaking saying goodbye. I’ve grieved for you, I cried every day for months when I lost you and it took me a long time to realise that it was ok to grieve even though I had ‘chosen’ to say goodbye to you.

I know I made the right chose for you, it was probably the most selfless decision I’ve ever made. I hope I can find the courage to keep telling people about you because I’m not ashamed of you or the choice I made but often mums who make this choice are made to feel like we have done something wrong, that we are bad people but what we are is brave and strong because we chose to say goodbye to a part of us forever even though it hurts our hearts to do so.

Thank you for helping me see life in different ways, although it’s been a tough year since I lost you, I’ve learnt a lot, most of all that I can find strength I didn’t know I had when I felt I had nothing left.

I will always carry you in my heart Robin.

Mummy xxx