I stumbled across this picture on social media a couple of days ago. It is from the beautiful CarlyMarie Project.
Most of the words really resonated, because they sum up succinctly what I have been trying to achieve.
What my heart, my soul needs to not just survive, but to thrive.
I say ‘most of’ the words resonated, because I am unsure of the last line, “the more my heart could heal.” I am not sure whether my heart ever can heal. I’m not sure if all the achieving and thriving in the world can make my heart heal. There will always be a Hugo-shaped hole in my heart.
Ultimately, however, it is the overall sentiment that caught my eye.
Not second-guessing, or judging my feelings is something I am trying to achieve.
Grief can be a messy business. My grief is messy because it is entangled with the trauma of my illness.
I want to feel grateful for being alive, without a sense of guilt that Hugo is not.
I want to not feel guilty about ‘wasting precious time’ feeling sad. Feeling sad is a natural part of grief.
I want to not feel guilty about being sociable, or withdrawn.
I want to be more compassionate towards myself. More mindful of my feelings. Not beat myself up for feeling something, or not feeling something. I have enough to deal with without lumbering myself with being so critical of myself, too.
These words have been written in my diary. The hope is that the more I read them, the better the chance of them sinking in.
You never know. Stranger things have happened.