My brain just isn’t what it used to be. It is full up, tired, bursting at the seams. Too much falls out of those seams. My memory used to be so sharp, with plenty of capacity; a veritable human Google. These days it is foggy, sluggish, out of focus, prone to forget simple things.
Of course, most of us have gone in to a room for something and on arriving completely forget what it was. Or gone to the shop for milk and…what was it I was doing again?
There is, thankfully, no actual physical damage to my brain. That is a huge relief and something I am very thankful for, knowing how close I came to a different outcome when I became so ill during my pregnancy with Hugo.
While I avoided a brain bleed and/or a stroke, my brain has been emotionally affected by grief and trauma. My brain is poorly, and while I know these symptoms are a natural result of my experiences this year, it does not stop me being frustrated with how it is affecting me.
Some days, I feel like my brain is a defunct technology.
It feels like my brain has become like an over-watched, over-used video tape. One of those that you can record over again and again. Stretched, overburdened likely to fail, scratchy. Past its best.
Jumping over chunks of the best bits, and the machine stopped recording before the happy ending.
Instead, like a plot from a Japanese horror film the scariest parts flicker in to life, especially when I am least expecting them.
There have been times when I wish I could wipe the tape clean. Erase it all. Start afresh. Of course, I mean to delete only the bad memories, the trauma, the heartbreak. However, just like an old videotape we cannot selectively erase memories and I cannot bear the thought of losing precious memories of my baby boy. Of him kicking inside my belly. Of watching him inside his incubator. Of feeling his skin against mine.
Wiping the tape clean also means losing what makes me, me. That option is too extreme.
So, how about enhancing my brain with a software upgrade? Software upgrades promise a faster operating system, more bells and whistles, and a smoother, snazzier experience. The trouble with upgrades is that things tend to go a bit awry, things go in the wrong place, and it takes time to get used to how it works again. That sounds like a hassle, and I can’t be bothered with that. Not to mention that upgrades usually take up loads of space – and my brain is already full.
That is why I would love my brain to be fitted with an SD card. It seems like the perfect solution: additional capacity for thoughts and memories. I can be selective about what thoughts and memories I put on to the card. The sad and traumatic memories can be put on to the SD card and taken out, put in a safe place and accessed only when I am ready to look at them. Removing those memories would leave more room for the happier memories to run free in my brain, and to be accessed more easily. Hopefully, it might also make me feel better and more able to return to indulging in more of the things I enjoy doing.
I know that with time, my brain will recover. The emotions will feel less raw, and I will function within a ‘new normal’. The bad memories will remain, though, meaning the control my fantasy SD card would give my brain sounds wonderful.
Sadly, I know it is only a science fiction fantasy. But you never know what may be possible in the future…
In this little fantasy world, what technology would you like to help your brain or memory?