This summer was supposed to be the best ever.
It’s my favourite season. I had such high hopes, high expectations.
Winter is my least-favourite season. Last winter, I had sat on my sofa hugging my ever-growing baby bump. My baby was due to be born in early June, right at the beginning of summer.
I thought how lucky I was. To be expecting a baby at all. To be expecting a baby that was due during my favourite season. Looking forward to enjoying my new baby during my favourite season.
I was so looking forward to everything motherhood would bring. Yes, even the sleepless nights, night feeds and stinky nappies. This baby was two years and a round of fertility treatment in the making.
My plans for the summer involved taking my new baby out for walks in his pram to show him off to everyone. We would go to story time at a local park on Monday mornings, followed by a buggy fit class. I would make friends with the other mums, and our babies would play together when they were bigger.
Hugo
Nothing went the way it was planned. It all went wrong at the end of winter. A life-threatening pregnancy condition. A hospital stay – poked, prodded and medicated. My baby delivered far too early.
My precious boy, Hugo, fought so hard.
As spring was bringing forth new life, my son lost his.
Hugo
Summer has been bittersweet this year.
My grief concerns not only what I have lost, but what I had to look forward to, too.
Walks in the sunshine, but without my baby.
My favourite season has lost its lustre this year.
Me and Hugo
My memories of this summer will include intense sadness. Thoughts of what should have been.
If I dig deep, I can take a small comfort from the fact I have shown off my beautiful baby. It was just in a way I never expected – through my blog, and on social media. Hugo is helping so many people through my words.
I have made new friends because of Hugo. Not the friends I expected to make, nor in the way I expected to make them. But I value them all – old friends, and new.
My love for Hugo grows ever deeper, though he is in my heart rather than also in my arms.
This refrain from Don Henley’s Boys of Summer has been circulating in my head this week. It sums it up:
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone.
My beautiful boy
Headspace Perspective 
Your words are so, so beautiful. Every time I read your posts it hurts. I can feel the love you have for Hugo and your strength and determination. X
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Thank you. I love Hugo with every part of my being, and miss him so much xxx
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You are doing a great thing for him. Xxx
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xxx
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Same for me! I lost my Kevin last summer! it was supposed to be a different summer! Thank you for keeping your Hugo stories alive. i always see strength in your writing.
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Thank you. This summer must have been a tough one for you, too. Hugs xxx
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I’m so very sorry for your loss. You are showing off your precious boy, but yes, I can much relate to how you dreamed of such a different way of showing him to the world, of having him enjoy summer (and all the other seasons) with you.
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I so wish things could be different. Thank you for your kind words and comment xxx
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Such a moving and important post. When my father died, my grief and sadness were for all that he would miss, more than the things I missed. Your strength in finding the small comforts is amazing. I am so touched, and honoured, that you have chosen to share this post (and others) with #ThePrompt, your words are always inspirational and humbling. Thank you for linking x
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Thank you, Sara. I really like The Prompt, and am glad I found it. I enjoy writing for its own sake, and relish the challenge of writing something in a way I might not have thought of before xxx
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Words to live by, Leigh. (And it’s a great song too.) I cannot adequately express how much admiration I have for you for continuing to hold your head up and carry your love for Hugo like a shining beacon. It reminds me constantly that the quibbles I have with my kids are just that – trivial little nothings.
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That’s very kind of you, thank you. Writing really does help get me through, and thank you for reading our story. xxx
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Stunningly beautiful writing. I am so sorry that Hugo didn’t get to enjoy summer with you. He was loved and will be remembered – you’re acting in his name so strongly and bravely x
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Thank you. I’m so sorry about that too. I miss Hugo more than I can say xxx
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So sorry for your loss, Leigh. Your Hugo was a beautiful boy and you are honouring his memory by writing about him and, I’ve no doubt, helping others in the process.
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Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to comment xxx
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This post makes me ache, all the sadness I feel for you (and for myself too)- grieving the dreams lost. There’s so much sadness on mourning the things that will never be.
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There really is. The sadness goes in to your bones. xxx
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