This summer was supposed to be the best ever.
It’s my favourite season. I had such high hopes, high expectations.
Winter is my least-favourite season. Last winter, I had sat on my sofa hugging my ever-growing baby bump. My baby was due to be born in early June, right at the beginning of summer.
I thought how lucky I was. To be expecting a baby at all. To be expecting a baby that was due during my favourite season. Looking forward to enjoying my new baby during my favourite season.
I was so looking forward to everything motherhood would bring. Yes, even the sleepless nights, night feeds and stinky nappies. This baby was two years and a round of fertility treatment in the making.
My plans for the summer involved taking my new baby out for walks in his pram to show him off to everyone. We would go to story time at a local park on Monday mornings, followed by a buggy fit class. I would make friends with the other mums, and our babies would play together when they were bigger.
Nothing went the way it was planned. It all went wrong at the end of winter. A life-threatening pregnancy condition. A hospital stay – poked, prodded and medicated. My baby delivered far too early.
My precious boy, Hugo, fought so hard.
As spring was bringing forth new life, my son lost his.
Summer has been bittersweet this year.
My grief concerns not only what I have lost, but what I had to look forward to, too.
Walks in the sunshine, but without my baby.
My favourite season has lost its lustre this year.
My memories of this summer will include intense sadness. Thoughts of what should have been.
If I dig deep, I can take a small comfort from the fact I have shown off my beautiful baby. It was just in a way I never expected – through my blog, and on social media. Hugo is helping so many people through my words.
I have made new friends because of Hugo. Not the friends I expected to make, nor in the way I expected to make them. But I value them all – old friends, and new.
My love for Hugo grows ever deeper, though he is in my heart rather than also in my arms.
This refrain from Don Henley’s Boys of Summer has been circulating in my head this week. It sums it up:
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone.